Kissing Without Memory

I don’t remember what I forgot. How can I write about what I don’t remember? Like I have said before, I guarantee I don’t remember lots of shit I did drunk, and blacked out. I don’t remember what it’s like to have full peace and naivete like I had 20 years ago. My emotional and mental resiliency has wavered, the grooves of anxiety chemicals in my brain have grown deeper in their path, more rooted. It is easier for things and stresses to set me off that used to roll off my back like water on an otter’s fur. Even how I was so terribly unnerved listening to Odell’s story of abuse growing up and the tragedies in her life, I had to leave the room, I felt so uncomfortable. It has been a long time, so long, that I don’t remember how it felt to be emotionally stable, as far as anxiety goes. I did have unmistakable depression starting at 14, but never had anxiety, set off like I can’t handle it, the ripples of it tipping my little boat unnervingly so I grip with tense hands, grasping to sanity and life. I don’t remember feeling clean pure love, well I do. I felt it with Martin, 11 years ago, last. I don’t remember what I can’t bring to mind. I don’t remember a lot of Bali life, most of it spent on my computer working. What did I even do at night every night? I don’t remember specific sensations and happenings with men I was intimate with. I don’t remember Andrew’s cock very well, I have an impression that it was average. I don’t remember kissing him and how it felt. I don’t remember how kissing Steve was. I only remember kissing Brad 3 years ago the week I left for Seoul. I don’t remember kissing Andrew, ever, how if felt. That is saddening. I remember kissing Martin and Dave. The men I have loved have all had to fulfill the requirement of good kissing. I don’t remember the first time I had a real good kiss. My first official kiss was terribly, terribly awful. Teeth grinding on teeth and hitting each other. But dammit, I kept trying! I didn’t give up when I wasn’t good at it the first time! I don’t remember how I felt kissing Mike  last fall, I don’t remember it being unpleasant so that is positive. My impression is that it was pleasant and reminded me of Martin I think because it was feminine and soft and sweet.


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