My Scarlet Letter

I’m most ashamed of leaving Martin for Dave and moving to Asia. I mainly hold the tape measure up of “You’ve been sober since 1999 and yet you still did this, what’s your excuse?” If I was still drinking or using drugs, I would have much more acceptance and self love and compassion about it. But you know, I was in addiction. It was addiction. So that is the excuse. Not even excuse, but justification, or reason. I guess if Martin had been a shit husband, it would have been a reason. But the only reason was my own addiction-driven impulses and desires. And I still can’t let myself off the hook for it. Especially because I left him for someone as simple and shameful as Dave. Once Dave fell for me and loved me, and I had him hooked, he lost his appeal. When he held the power, I was a puppy at his feet, an automaton that did his bidding. But once he let me in, I rejected him and the fog lifted and I could see ever more clearly what a loser he was, what a weak and sniveling child. And it made me hate myself even more, that I didn’t love him yet I left everything for him and I left a real man, an upright husband that was kind and capable and truly loving and compassionate and truly loved me and was devoted to me. I left Martin for a child, Dave is a child. I was rocked from one extreme to the other, in my little boat of existence. The waves of life and addiction threatened to capsize me. Somehow we all escaped and have the scars on our hearts to prove it. They both have new lovers, I do not. I am left single and alone, as I deserve for what I did to both of these men: I left them both because I was broken and I can’t build something from brokenness and defection. The foundation was cracked so nothing solid could be built. I did the best I could, which wasn’t very good. But everything had to happen to lead me here and I think we are all happy with the end result. I will have to reserve judgment for the conclusion of that as the next pages turn in our lives.

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