Ego, Sex & Motives for Writing

I shouldn’t write about the details of my relationships or sexcapades. Why did I say that? Why shouldn’t I? I think it goes back to that same exploitative feeling I got while writing about Gertrude and thinking about writing about family. I can’t think of one reason why I shouldn’t, well that is a inane lie. It is late and I am tired. The one reason I can think of not writing about it is because of the next subject in the list of “things I shouldn’t write about.” Sometimes this remembering of being with my past lovers makes me horny. And I am in my first 3 months of recovery from relationship addiction and everything is very new and very fragile and anything can cause it to topple at any moment. Any slight breeze blowing from an odd direction, say NNE instead of the standard due south, has the capability to put me into a tailspin leading to relapse. That is the reason why, not necessarily that I shouldn’t write about past relationships or sex, but why I at least need to be cautious in my motives. So far, this has all been about ego. I am being gentle with myself, as best i can, but I am ashamed that I put up my old blog that started from a very horny moment in 2010 and have basically started a sex blog complete with my tits as the main foto along with the ex whose my relationship with crushed my soul. I want this to be real, I want it to be authentic and honest and vulnerable. I can share that one to one, but for some reason when writing I want to show my the persona that is my addict. I think because it’s the way I relate in life, I see my only value to men is my sexuality so I want to attract readers with my sexuality. This is an old pattern and it is not easy to see, but here I am seeing it. I am wanting and trying to attract attention with sex. At the same time, I must acknowledge all of this as it is me and my past. I ask my god to guide me to find the balance between therapeutic remembering, mental masturbation, and words that will bring help to others, because that is the core purpose for all of this. I have a message to share that will give others hope who have struggled with addiction like me. I am clawing my way out; actually the clawing has stopped and I am in my little boat, and I even have oars now to steer among the choppy waves of the sea to keep me upright. These are the tools I use to stay afloat amid a sea of addiction and pain in this world. I rise above this all now, I have risen and continue to rise as I stay at home within myself, being at peace and stillness within my soul.

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