I feel queasiness inside, alongside betrayal, in thinking about Dave’s Reddit posts that describe how he makes his girlfriend squirt. I have squirting envy. It is something that has come into fashion in the past few years and from the time I first saw or read about it, I wanted to be able to do it. I watched youtube videos about it, step-by-step instructions given. “Drink a lot of water,” was the first step.
Once, I asked Martin to try and make me squirt. It was towards the end of our marriage, the sexual fires long extinguished, so even having an orgasm at all could be a chore that required me to indulge in fantasy as we fucked. The scene I usually imagined that would finally bring me over the edge was picturing Martin’s best friend Brett coming and standing in the doorway of our room, silent and still, and watching me being fucked. Martin would be facing me, and I would be facing Brett. Brett would be hungrily looking at me being fucked and crying out and I would cum while staring at him, both of us wishing that it was his cock filling my pussy and not Martin’s. Martin’s one or two tries to get me to squirt failed.
Dave and I talked about squirting a lot, though we didn’t often try to get it to happen. Our sex life was so rich and varied that it was something that wasn’t needed, although it was a fantasy, one in which we played out at times as we fucked, imagining the mess we’d make on the bed once it was finally achieved. Messy sex turned us on.
After Dave started dating Katelyn while we were still together, he had told me how she was a sexual prude. I gloated internally at the thought and knew Dave would always be mine. Katelyn would not even give him a blowjob, because she had a bad experience in college. I laughed out loud at that. There would be no way they would last. Dave was the kinkiest guy I had ever been with. Fast forward a few months, past the despair of our breakup and resultant heart-crush and months of SLAA recovery and withdrawal. I allowed myself to stalk him on Reddit and read back over his posts since he left me. There’s too much to go into now, but the squirting post… that was a poison-tipped arrow in my heart’s center. He had gotten the girl who wouldn’t even give a simple blowjob – which is almost like shaking someone’s hand to me – to being able to squirt. He even said she loved to squirt, so it wasn’t even a one-time fluke, it had become a thing she did, and he did, and they did together. It took weeks to get that image to stop haunting my mind: of his perfect cock pumping inside of her and they shudderingly cumming together, Dave filling her pussy with cum as she squirted all over them both. I feel betrayed, I feel jealous, yet I feel like I deserve the pain I feel when I think of it.