Resentment

What’s in front of my face is a fucking computer screen that I don’t want to be on at 11 pm after ranting about Eliza my latest resentment thorn-in-my-side for 2 hours. I have wasted enough time on this girl. I am done. I am separate, I am small, I am in the ego. There is no humility in my beingness now. I am in protection mode. I am not wanting to take a risk. I need to do the exact thing that I am afraid of. I need to call Eliza and tell her how I feel, not to expect her to change or our relationship or the past to change, but to clear it away , release it out of my aura and my being. It is the opening I need to escape this. Even if it turns out messy and unwell, I have to do it. I am not going to continue learning this lesson over and over again. Eliza will keep showing up in my life in various incarnations. She represents my mother anyway. My monster mother. My disconnected, diminishing mother.She is a mirror of that. And underneath that is hurt. Maybe she is jealous. She is super hard on me, just like my mother. She is fat like my mother. She has the dismayed smirk like my mother. She is powerful like my mother. She is discounting of me like my mother. How can I find the way through to her heart? How can I find the way through to forgiveness? God, soften my heart towards Eliza. She is my mother, she is my sister, she is every bully and boss who has taken my voice, whom I have given my voice away to. She has taken my power, I have given her all my power. What she stands for is my being powerless. She pointed out things that were true: I was hidden, disconnected, made excuses. I didn’t deny those things. But I did: I denied that I couldn’t get off work, I denied to myself after we got off the phone that I could actually really probably go to the event. She pointed out unpleasant truths. She said I was selfish and I feel she caused the whole team to say I was selfish. And I never did get the candy money all back after I was assured that I would.God, please help me see her as you do, through eyes of compassion and love and forgiveness. After all, she is me.

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