I wanted to explain my erratic behavior to you and why I’ve given you mixed signals. I’m not sure how interested you are in knowing more about the authentic me, but I wanted to be honest as a gesture of respect for you as a person and also myself.
I know I blew you off a few months ago, when you finally said you wanted to meet me after months of contacting each other semi-regularly. Our interactions were all centered around sex, and minimally, writing, and other small details of our lives. I never told you that I was somewhat obsessed with you. OK, since this is me getting honest, I was fairly obsessed; at times more than that. I feel humiliated exposing my feelings to you now, as we are really only acquaintances and have never even met, but I’ll continue regardless. The way I’ve played the dating and sex game never allowed for sharing perceived weaknesses in the early stages of getting to know someone. You intrigued me from day one with your willingness to chat while you were at work all day, as well as sending me a photo of you hard at your desk. The bulge in your pants was large, you were skilled at sex chat, intelligent, worldly, cute- checked all my boxes.
There is no situation in which desperation is attractive. When we met on Tinder, I was at my most desperate. I had 3 or 4 sites going for meeting people online and most of my waking time was spent combing them to find the next one. The One I was looking for was one who had the qualities you have. My problem was my ever-refined taste as I aged excluded many; that is, until I got really desperate. I shudder at the thought of some of the men I went out with that in the past I would never have considered meeting.
I told myself I was not looking for a relationship, just a friend-with-benefits, but underneath that I knew that I was seeking my next victim. I call him a victim because he would not know what he was getting into with me. He wouldn’t know that I was a sex and love addict. If I did elect to share that with him, it would be actually considered positive and not detrimental. In the past, I had used that line before to add more drama to the intrigue, “Yeah, I’m actually a sex addict. I have a problem.” Since I always chose other sex addicts as partners, that was not a cue to turn around and run, but a turn-on instead.
Yes, I am a sex and love addict. I don’t say that I am only a sex addict, or only a love addict; it is both of them together that constitute something different than if you consider each one alone. I am not here to tell you my life story, but I wanted to let you know, because it is the reason I suddenly stopped contact and said I couldn’t meet you before I moved away.
Remember when I went to New York? I’m sure I made it sound glamorous but it was in desperation. I went to a self-help life transformational workshop because I couldn’t stop the sexual acting out, and I was obsessed every waking moment with thoughts of the guys I had on a line, trying to hook them. I was seeking the next magic man who had the qualities I demanded along with kinky sexuality and intense romantic intrigue. I had wished I could go to an inpatient treatment center, but without insurance, I couldn’t. My friend told me about this workshop and I had nothing to lose so I went. When I got to NY, I immediately changed my dating profile’s location so I could meet people there, and of course was active on Tinder. I was trying to set up meetings outside of work hours and the workshop. New blood kept me glued to my phone, chatting and searching, and planning meetings. The second night I went to the workshop, the leader said thunderously, “IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” That was my moment of clarity. She wasn’t speaking to me, or about addiction at all, but it clicked. I felt so ashamed of myself being at that workshop, and unable to stop what I was doing. The next day, I deactivated my dating profiles and blocked many phone numbers. That was November 20. I started going to SLAA meetings and now have over 4 months in recovery. It’s not my first time doing this- last year I also had 4-5 months of recovery, but I slipped and it got much worse.
I contacted you randomly a few weeks ago, which most in SLAA would consider a slip in recovery. I have stringent boundaries that constitute my recovery and not contacting men who have the history we have is one of them. I was triggered and had a weak moment. I have undergone further growth the past few weeks that has made me feel like I have evolved past going to meetings. Yet, I notice the tiny tickle in my brain, that is wondering about you more now that we have exchanged a few emails.
I wanted to share all of this to share the following. I apologize for the erratic behavior, and the disrespect I showed to you. I have had a bad habit of objectifying people as sex objects, and you certainly fell into that role. The entire time I have known you, I have had this world of suffering inside of me, having full awareness of it, yet still trying desperately to play the part I know how to play so well: the sexy, kinky, powerful, experienced woman. As I age, I can’t keep playing this game that is inauthentic to those involved, especially myself.
Everyone wants to be loved, wants to be wanted, wants companionship, and romance. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with relationship. I am now finally learning to have a relationship with myself. I know that I can’t relate to another successfully until I have a sense of wholeness within. The moment I stop looking to someone outside of myself to fill a need I have inside, I will be ready for true partnership.