I love the practice of holotropic breathwork. I first breathed in 2005. My logic was that I wanted my future husband at the time and I to do this process together a few months before we got married, to make sure that there was not something sinister that would be uncovered between us, and that it would be a bonding experience. Breathwork is entering an altered state, so I thought that our inhibitions would be lowered and secret fears, insecurities, doubts about our marriage, might come up during the session. I could not allow myself to let go during the session and experience it fully, it took a few sessions for me to get comfortable with the process.
Looking at this situation now, I see that my whole motivation for wanting to do the breathwork at all was sinister. I knew deep inside that I could not trust myself to not cheat, and doubted my ability to commit to someone for the entire rest of my life span. Those fears I was conscious of, but I pushed them aside and discounted the thoughts, and dismissed them. I reassured myself that I had sowed my wild oats, that this man I was marrying was the absolute best and we were in love, so based on those facts I could fit myself into a mold and conform to the institution of marriage. Later, when I wanted to cheat, when I had small emotional affairs, and finally went off the deep end, I was able to see with clarity those almost-subconscious beliefs. This is a pattern in my life. I am barely aware of truths, and the ones I remember are big ones, maybe there are small ones all the time, I’m not sure. Later, I see without blinders the whole truth that I was not able to get honest with myself about at the time. I can’t wait for the day when I am able to recognize difficult truths deep within, and follow the intuition and guidance instead of ignoring it.