Bali Angst and an Afterthought on Goats

Bali

I have never loved a place I have visited or lived as much as I loved Bali. Synchronicity brought me there almost 2 years ago, and it also caused me to leave 9 months ago. I don’t know if there is a word for negative synchronicity, but that’s what caused the leaving- my negative energy causing an accident in which I was the sole victim. I was in a downward spiral in my life at the time (when was I not?), but the dank, heavy energy followed me like a cloud. I was in yet another self-imposed crisis due to relapse in SLAA that awakened the dragon of extreme obsession surrounding guys and trying to land another victim. Addiction makes me isolate and my world becomes small. My world was tiny, but beautiful outwardly. Inside, I was a dry, dusty landscape of want, parched. The desert of my heart yearned for love and connection. I wanted anything that would alter me having to exist with myself. I and myself were not friends. I never smiled, I never laughed, or found humor in anything because life was too heavy, and it was all my fault. I created all of my own suffering, I deserved it all because of the pain I had created in my past due to my selfish decisions based on addiction. I had no peace. Even though I was grateful daily to wake up in paradise, I felt like an outsider there and had few friends. I would go to events, but no one would talk to me. Even though I tried to interact with others, it was shallow and went nowhere. I ate at the same restaurants alone daily. I did love speaking Indonesian with the locals.

Goats

Goats occupied a neutral place in my world until 7 years ago. Up until then, I was indifferent to them, aside from having a somewhat negative opinion about their meat, at least the way Jamaicans prepared it. My ex and I went to a place one spring day that had 30 or 40 goats, all breeds and ages. I instantly fell in love with the floppy-eared Nubian kid that I cradled like a baby, it’s spindly limbs tumbling out of my arms like slinkies going down stairs.  They were so soft, so personable, so fun! I convinced Martin that they were a necessary addition to our lives and after the fence was built, we got our first 2 goats.

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