Happiness

The happiest time in my life. Right now. Right now is the happiest time in my life. Wow. I feel alive. I feel abundant, vibrant, forward thinking and looking, dynamic and courageous. New things are bubbling up. My book. My writing. The classes I am taking. I am bettering myself every day. Yes, I stumble. Yes, I fall flat on my face, like this week, twice. But that interspersed with other moments of glee and bliss bring me back to knowing this truth. I am changing myself. I am learning to love myself. I am exercising my joy muscle. Happiness is a habit. I am practicing it daily.

Other than now, the happiest time in my life was as a child, until 11 and moving away. I was a free, loving and innocent and pure soul. I lived wide and loud. I embraced it all. I was totally fearless, except for the fear of my mother that sat below the surface, roiling in dis-ease. That was not the main focus of my life. I had a habit to be happy and so I was. If I felt rejection or irritation from mother, I would focus on something else. I would play. I would imagine. That was my biggest gift, my imagination, full of neon colors and life. I still remember the games I would play with my friend and what we would imagine. We’d become unicorns, cats, pegasus, unicorn-pegasus (my favorite.) I felt such vitality. I’d spin circles listening to Amadeus in the front yard. We’d take a “dizzy pill” and start spinning. What foreshadowing, ha. I was the best at everything I did: all sports, and all classes, up until age 9. I read and read and read. Choose Your Own Adventures, Little House, Wizard of Oz, The Black Stallion, Narnia. My life was filled with creative vitality and there was nothing I was afraid to do. Well, I was afraid to do the long jump when I was on the track team and I cried because I didn’t want to do it. Yet I got 3rd place my first jump ever and then it became something I loved.

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