I was wild and green in the ways of the world. I was wild as a child, free, and green, naive. I have written of this often. I had no sense of myself. I had no filter. I loved life. I remember hearing on the car radio a news story about a rape, and I asked my parents what that word meant. I recall their discomfort. Mom said it was when someone had to have sex with someone they didn’t want to do it with. I was confused, I didn’t get it.
As a teenager, I had no idea what life would be like once I left home. I was the oldest. I couldn’t conceive of my life as a grown person taking care of herself. I tried to imagine my life as an adult and I could not fathom what it would look like.
Even as an adult of 22, I still held naivete towards men in AA. I took all of their kindnesses as pure, when they most certainly were not. I shut down and now I do not trust men in AA, even though I am almost twice the age I was when I came in. I am guarded and suspicious of all men’s nice gestures in AA. That took time. Of course, I let some men in. I married one, and loved another. My heart was green and open. Now it is wrinkled and cold. That is not true. It is healing. It is pink and red and the skin on it’s outside is tender. My heart is learning to love what it was meant to love first: myself, and my god. I want my heart to be green and wild again. Then I will be ready to love another.