Torture

The state of my life bothers me all throughout the day. Being in my head all day is killing me. If I woke up afraid and worried at night, it would be about money. Then it layers more fear because of the law of attraction and energy. It would also be about the state of my female organs. I am turning 40 and don’t know where I’m going to live in less than a month. I am afraid of the lack of money in my bank account and the new debt on my credit card. I am constantly tortured by this constant feeling of not measuring up to what I believe I should be or where I should go. The feeling of dis-ease is rampant now. I wonder, is this all because of me going away from 12 step programs? Is this how it looks, straying from recovery although I am constantly working on bettering myself? Why can’t I be happy, joyous and free? I need to get out of myself. I am way way too self-absorbed and again my world is very small. I have no desire to help others like I did before. I feel powerless. I just put OKCupid back on my phone, after saying a few hours ago that I didn’t even want to do it. I called the Meadows last Friday. I left a message. They didn’t return my call. I may call again tomorrow although the price tag on that is scary. Am I having another mid-life crisis? Is this another one dressed in different clothes from the one last year? I want to be happy. I was told that I was committed to old beliefs. I say I am powerless over that. This constant battle of shifting from new to old is an insane battlefield. I feel disconnected from self and universe here. All my goals are faded. I am in survival and not creation. I have ventured into creation and expansion, but fallen. Is going back to sobriety the key to getting me over the hump? What do I have to lose? What if I just try it? I feel such resistance. Deep resistance. I am dressing it up like it’s not addiction, maybe this is my denial, being insidious. Is it that ingrained, is its web that binding?

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