To Dave

I wonder about you sometimes. If you’re any happier, how your sex life is with your girlfriend, having been together for this long now. Is it anything new, or just the same old comfortable energy like putting on your favorite shoes? Is that how it feels to slip into her?

I don’t know you anymore. It’s been too long, angst-filled connection and compulsion long-severed. I am not the woman I was when we first met, and last parted. Thank god.

Still, I bless you, and thank you. Thank you for being a catalyst for change for me, a bridge from old life to new. You were the perfect person to play the role, because it worked. Maybe if it had been someone less fractured, less compelling, less interesting, more wholesome, more boring, more level-headed, I wouldn’t have felt that insane urge to abandon my life like I did. Maybe it was your age, and mine. Maybe it was my years of anorexia, mainly abstinent from sexual pleasure within marriage. Maybe it was living in an island among others I couldn’t and didn’t want to relate to.

Whatever it was, I thank you. Thank you for teaching me about truth, and Truth. Living a lie of feelings is something I will never do again. Our connection is a reminder of contrast, showing me what I don’t want. Except, the sex. Sometimes I miss the dizzying highs, more potent than any drug could deliver. I never felt the depths of connection in the same way that I felt with you. Yet, I see it as too consuming, too false. Castles in the sky, we were, these selves that created caricatures of who we wanted to be, and couldn’t play who we really were. Illusions we drew with our words as we lay together, our minds hypnotizing each other, painting fantasies that kept us clinging to each other in bed, so that when feet hit the floor, we had something to bind us together.

The Truth is, it was a relationship borne of sickness, of angst, shame, and guilt. And you weren’t a strong enough drug after awhile for me to forget what I’d left, who I’d left.

The Truth also is, that without this chapter of my life, I wouldn’t be where I am in this moment: a healed, strong, and free woman, living my highest ideal of myself every day, and growing to be more actualized, more realized, more completely whole and totally myself. Even with the past. Because that woman who rambled around the world for love, trying to fill a void using perverted means, is not me today.

Yet, I bless the past, bless you, bless the old me. Because it has led me here. To this beautiful present moment, writing this now. I feel a swell in my heart, a stirring of emotion, but it is not negative. I have cleansed all that now. It is compassion, it is empathy, for us playing ourselves in those roles we volunteered to play: betrayer, and jester; leaver, and tempter.

May you grow happier, more satisfied and content with yourself and your life as each day passes. May you grow to love yourself so you can truly love another. May you find peace deep within your heart.

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